Bee in your bonnet?

So my film collection is pretty impressive. Sometimes, I just think the number is impressive and not so much on the titles. I mean, I own Spice World and that was a TERRIBLE movie…except that it had MEATLOAF and RICHARD O’BRIEN in it! So I made a list of movies that I think will make my already impressive collection more awesomer.

First, I would like to complete my collection of the Coen brother’s movies and finish off my collection of Tim Burton films. For starters, I would like: A Serious Man 2009; The Hudsucker Proxy 1994; Barton Fink 1991; Miller’s Crossing 1990; Blood Simple 1984 from the Coen brother’s. They have more films, but I read online that those were some of their best work. On Tim Burton, on the other hand, I own pretty much most of his work. All except for his new Alice in Wonderland 2010 movie and Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure 1985. I don’t own his earlier work, since most of them were shorts and I don’t know where to find them or if you even can.

I want to own some classical titles too. Like…The Godfather 1972; The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly 1966; Citizen Kane 1941; Apocalypse Now 1979; To Kill A Mockingbird 1962; Chinatown 1974; and Singin’ In The Rain 1952. There are some others, but those are the only ones I can think of at this moment.

I am writing this blog mainly for me to look back and remember to purchase these titles. Lol

Okay, let me start off and say that I know this is ridiculous to get so worked up over. I just need to let out a little steam.

I know that I should not let this bother me and I know that it is really silly of me to think that much about it, but when someone deletes me off their Facebook it makes me upset. If you know me, why must you delete me off your friends?! SERIOUSLY?! Trolling on Facebook is a past time of mine and a past time I should probably do less of, but for the time being, I like to troll on Facebook. I notice when I suddenly don’t see your news feed.

LIKE THIS ONE PERSON I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH, bitch we were friends. Well, not close friends, but we had SENIOR CLASSES TOGETHER. GOD. WE TALKED TO THE SAME PEOPLE. For the life of me, I do not understand why you deleted me off your friends. I know we didn’t communicate on the social networking site, but still? I understand we didn’t talk after high school, but why can’t I be a number on your friends list and let me troll your page? I am not that annoyed with not being connected anymore, but I would rather be able to troll your page. OH WELLLLLL.

There is this one girl that I knew for a short while and yet again barely talked too. I KNOW WHY YOU DELETED ME. I THINK IT IS A STUPID REASON, BUT WHATEVER. I DIDN’T REALLY LIKE YOU ANYWAYS. YOU WERE ANNOYING AND COMPLAINED TOO MUCH AND PUT WAY TOO MUCH DEPENDENCE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Wait, what relationship? Oh yeah. That fucking ended because you are a psycho bitch. WHY DELETE ME WHEN I WASN’T EVEN PART OF YOUR SELF-MADE DRAMA? YOU EVEN HAVE MY GRANDMA ADDED ON FACEBOOK. MY GRANDMA.

There have been others who have taken me off their friends list, but I am not psycho and keep track of all that shit. I only notice when you regularly update your status and then all of the sudden your not on my news feed and I wander what happened to you. There was an instant on December 5th, when I saw this girl, who I have NEVER spoke too in my life, but she wanted to add me so I said sure, update her status and tagged a person I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH and when I tried to click on her name is said, “ADD AS FRIEND”. WHAT THE FUCK, seriously! It isn’t like we talked while you were a senior or anything. It isn’t like we HAD CLASSES TOGETHER or nothing! Why delete me now? Huh?! WHY. You were fine with having me as a friend on Facebook for FOUR YEARS, why delete me now? WHATEVER.

Granted, we didn’t talk that much, but is that really the point in adding people in social networking sites? Isn’t the point to have a high number of friends? No? Hmm. Well in any case, I don’t see the problem with adding people I know and never talking to them. Maybe one day I will say “Hi, I thought about you and wanted to say ‘Hi’ and ask how you were?” or whatever, I am fine with adding people I know and never really talking to them again.
I feel better having said all this. I won’t let this effect my day and it doesn’t make me sad or angry. It just frusterates me, but I will get over it. I do have other things to be worried about than why you don’t want to be Facebook friends anymore.


UGH, BITCHES AIN’T SHIT.

My plan for today was simple-just spend it in my bed and watching movies. Unfortunately, things don’t always go as planned. I did spend my day with a pretty good alternative. I had lunch with Bethany and Casey, which was delicious. I chauffeured Casey around so that he could get his car today. I am really happy that he was able to get his car.

I ended up being more productive than I wanted to today. I helped Olivia clean the dishes and a bit of the kitchen. We’re planning on having a huge get together Monday night and we need the kitchen free of clutter to prepare tacos for 12 people. A simple movie night turned into a movie night and taco pitch-in instantly with a large guest list. I hope things go according to plans for Monday. ^__^

I had to withdraw from my Spanish II class at school. I don’t like the feeling of giving up and calling it quits, but it had to be done. It is too far into the semester to change my grade now. I’ve been having a difficult time with it and I am relieved that I don’t have to worry about it anymore. I can read and understand it pretty well. It is just that I can’t remember certain vocabulary and how to conjugate verbs. With the two extra hours of my Tuesday and Thursday’s I can do research on my World Civilization paper! Hot dog!

I like and I don’t like it when the professors say that I can do a research paper over my choosing. I like knowing I can pick whatever topic I desire, but then again I don’t know what to pick and what is appropriate. For my World Civilization II class I have to do a research paper over something in history that we talked about in class. akdvgajajajk GAH. I don’t know! I thought about doing something that I was interested in and would like to know more information about, but it was hard to choose something. My first idea was to do it over the history and development of the guillotine, but I couldn’t find any books about it (then again I didn’t try too hard) or any EPSCOhost articles about it so I gave up. My second idea was to do it over the bloody and murderous monarchs of England, but I liked my third idea better. I decided to do my paper over the bubonic plague. I already owned a book about the Black Death so I thought it was perfect.

I rented a movie about the Dark Ages and I am hoping that it talks about the plague and will end up being useful for my paper. So, I am going to end this blog entry and go watch it.

Signing off!

I have come to terms that my life isn’t want I want it to be. I know I won’t climb the corporate latter or be very successful. All I can hope for is a middle class life and that is alright with me. All I want is to be happy and be surrounded by people who make me happy.

I have spent a good chunk of my childhood with my head stuck in the refrigerator. If I was sad - I ate, if I was upset - I ate, if I was happy - I ate, if I was bored - I ate. Food was comfort to me. All I wanted to do was eat and I just wanted to continue eating, even if I was full and had no more room. I ate like I was never going to see food again. I ate like no one else wanted anything.

Conditioning, in psychology, is a behavioral process whereby a response becomes more frequent or more predictable in a given environment as a result of reinforcement, with reinforcement typically being a stimulus or reward for a desired response.

I think that I have conditioned myself to eat at the slightly feeling of being hungry. Maybe it isn’t the same thing, but whenever I had the thought of food in my head I just wanted to go eat. I get a little thought of wanting to eat and I grab my keys and hop in my car. For almost two and a half weeks I haven’t actually had any money to spend. So whenever I get the feeling of wanting to eat, I had to just sit there. It was torturous for me to ignore that hunger feeling. All I wanted to do was eat, but I couldn’t because I had no funds to do so.

I have been eating at home instead at fast food restaurants. I still have a little voice in the back of my mind telling me to eat. Food at home is a limited supply so I cannot fix everything and swallow it all down, even though I want too so bad. A lot of the times it is hard to ignore that voice that tells me that I am hungry.

Lately, I haven’t ate as much as I used too. I don’t know how long that is going to last. I feel a bit better than before and I feel that I would have more energy if I wasn’t so tired all the time. I hope that I am on the path to control that hunger.

Maybe not having money is a little blessing in disguise, because I haven’t ate out in two weeks.

They say that the first step is to admit you have a problem. Slowly, but surely, I have started to realize that something is wrong. Realizing it and thinking it over in my head was the easy part, however, the hardest part is telling people close to me that there is a problem.

I want to go to therapy, but after discussing it with my mother made me realize that if I can’t say what’s wrong out loud, even just to myself, how can I talk to a therapist about these problems? My mom said that I should write a journal, which was an idea I have been mulling over, so I am going to give it a try. Which might be more helpful than I realize, since it’s hard to say it out loud.

I was wondering why I can’t say it out loud and one thing that popped into my head was that I am sooo used to listening to everyone else’s problems and never interjecting mine into the conversation that I think my problems should just get shoved to the back-burner. Why would anyone want to know my problems, they aren’t important. Without talking about them, I believe, has made it worse. Years and years and years of thinking you’re not important does have side effects.

It is going to take a very long time to condition myself not to think of myself so poorly. It is going to take a very long time to tell myself that I am worth it. I want to like myself, but it is going to be a long time before that happens.

I’ve had a lot of stones thrown at me. I’ve been pushed and shoved into the ground. I will shake off the dirt and stand back up. I will try my best to put a shield between my vulnerable feelings and the world. I will attempt to ignore your criticism and stand up for myself and those who need a voice. I will try to shatter the stone that has encased my heart. I will get my head on straight and follow through with my responsibilities. I no longer wish to be the fly on the wall. I no longer wish to be a waste of space, oxygen, and time.I am going to get out of debt. I’m going to look for the future. I’m going to wise up.